The lesser favored children of destiny.

We all have read in abundance about the poetic success stories, about the 'phoenix' like rise from the ashes, about how a certain someone defied the odds to achieve a certain something, about how a guy pursued his 'loved one' for long, expressed his feelings and they lived all too happily ever after (its all poetic, remember!) and all the 'feel good' anecdotes that makes you go "aww" (girls) and "thats the shit" (guys) ;-). I'm talking about the tales with happy endings. Yours truly hasn't seen one(on a personal level) so far, so I guess that this piece of work should be endearing to the average human.

The lack of reading material on lets say "How I fucked it up" just amuses me sometimes. So here I am. The torchbearer for all those who just can't get it right, just cant get that girl to like you or for that matter worked your ass for your 'dream' company that came to visit on campus and you could not even clear the GD (:P). So they think only the winners can write. Screw them. The 'would be' winners can tell a tale or two!

The people who smile at the twists of the destiny which seem to be reserved in abundance only for them. The people who smile at the vagaries. The people who move on. The people who wait for the next chance. This is for you.

The greatest tragedy is not the rejection of love. Its being with a girl, whom you know, you cant 'be' with. Its when you hold her hand, and she does not hold it back. Its when you hug her and she does not hug you back. Its when you are lost in her eyes, and she just wont look into yours. And we the 9 out of 10 are too all too familiar with this right? And what do we do?
We smile at the twist of the destiny. At the vagaries .We move on. We Wait.

You worked your ass off for that that branch slide. For that 'dream' job. For that cherished position. And you missed it by a whisker. Why? Because the criteria went by .06. You are not 'best-fit' for that company and your fellow colleague licked ass better than you worked. And what do you do?
Smile at the twist of the destiny. At the vagaries. Move on. Wait.

So you will ask the inevitable question. What's so special about these kind of people? I'll tell you what's so special.

Getting something you want, at exactly the time you want it, may seem like the best thing to happen. Its NOT! The seeds of arrogance are laid then and there. Even more interesting is the fact that these people are less (or for that matter not at all) apt at handling failures than those those who have been on the symbolic 'roller coaster'.

The other good thing about the 'lesser favored children of destiny.' They know the value of a thing when they get it, more than the ones who got it at the first short or the ones who 'just got lucky'. Rest assured, their girl will be loved like she couldn't have dreamed about and their employers stand to benefit more from their unflinching devotion.

And the best part. Their humility. No matter how much they go on to achieve and irrespective of the ever increasing digits in their bank balance, they'll always smile when they pass you by. They'll always be first ones to extend their hand to greet you. Its the little things like these that makes a person special. These people are. They are rare too.

So to the ones who always seem to be 'nearly there'. Never curse your luck. Its all happening for the better.

Smile at the twists of destiny. At the vagaries. Move on. Wait.

Invictus..

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. "

-William Ernest Henley

My 'About Me' On Orkut

After a long time, I found the time to do justice to the 'About Me' space on Orkut. Here goes-

Knowing oneself completely is a process which I believe, will carry on till we are on our deathbed. But yes,if you are getting to know yourself better by the day, you're doing one hell of a job. I try to keep up. So, its the 'deciphered' part of myself, which I write about. I'll let time 'unravel'[:P], the rest of me.

"I'm an engineering student" has been repeated so many times in the orkut About Me folklore that it certainly qualifies as a cliche. But however "common" this stream might be, I've enjoyed each and every moment(almost) of it so far. Seriously people, if you haven't lived in a hostel full of jobless people(by that, I mean undergrad. engg students), there's something major missing in your life ;)

I'm a bit of an old timer. They love to ride their bikes, I'd rather chug along on my '1947' scooter. They love to flash their wi-fi, bluetooth, camera and what not enabled cellphones, I'm happy with my black and white nokia. I'd prefer Coldplay over any other band every day of my life and I'd rather go on a walk rather than attend some social do. Boring? Well, the more literally inclined will rather say "Head in the clouds romantic". I don't mind either.

My beliefs of being Sincere and not Serious, has earned me a lot of names I'd never mention to my parents(well, some of them are mentioned in my testimonials) and owing to the same, I end up being the "Preacher Papa" to people close to me. If only they listened.

Staying grounded is a virtue is I rate the highest. And thanks to the eccentric people I've met so far and the many "nearly there" experiences I've had, I've managed to remain humble. I guess when you have gone through apparently extreme circumstances, you can figure things out more easily than people who haven't.
I used to be a sceptic not long ago but reflecting on the transpired events one cold and foggy morning in my hostel balcony(with booze egging on the nearly extinct 'believer' in me), I came to the conclusion that there's someone up there joining the dots. All may seem incongrous at this time, but surely one day it'll all make sense. I just need to play my part. Sincerely.

Among other things, I find being rude to anyone harder than I found living in Kota. I abhor manipulation of people and emotions. I'm not a big speaker. I feel the urge to open my mouth only when the confusion arounds me turns into a pandemonium. I love writing. Long story short, I'm passionate about it.

And if you ever managed to upset me, no, I won't break your nose, instead there's something very seriously wrong with the way you are wired up. And that my friend, is an alternative you should fear more.

That's all what I know about myself. Till now. And if you managed to read all of this and not skipped to this part directly(seriously, that'd be lame), I'd say, I like you. Thanks for bearing with me :)

An Awaited Apology

"i know this is long overdue.I never really had the courage to write this one down...

look, 'm really sorry.I realized it soon enough that wht i did 2 u was entirely wrong, i was at fault.

If i was in your place, i wud never forgive myself but please , i cant dare ask us to be friends again but do consider my apology.I cant erase all the hurt 'v caused u but i'm really really sorry. i mean it from the bottom of my heart.all the pain u went thru was my fault, my ego, my cruelty..'m rly sry.hope u will forgive me.

PS. i'm trying hard 2 change n i have changed to a gr8 extent.plz give me a chance
"


Yours truely just received this apology. An apology he once could have killed for. It was a from a "friend" who abandoned him(it gets down to this, even if i try to be at my euphemistic best) 4 years ago citing obscure reasons. After all these years of picking up the pieces and moving on, continually trying to break free from the emotional cobwebs, he finally gets to read those words-"I'm sorry. It was all my fault."

How will he respond? Will he offer a chance or has the time and the pang of separation sucked out the very belief of friendship from his soul?

Read on..

"My heart skipped a beat seeing ur name in the unread mails and if I'd foreseen what I was about to read, I'd have definitely believed that pigs do fly and cows climb trees..

To say that I was hurt by what you did, would be a gross understatement. Your departure left a void, which required ages to fill and your values were at a level i never believed someone wud stoop to. Still, i moved on.

Part of what I am today, is due to ur snobbish behaviour. It changed me the most as a person. I've stopped expecting things frm ppl. However close. The metamorphosis was inevitable, my friend...

I want to believe that every word u wrote in that message of urs is true. I want to believe that u r truely sorry. I want to believe that u r changing.
Something tells me u r.
And why do i use "want". Why is every fibre of my being dripped in trepidation and not relief at seeing an old pal come back??
'Coz u've used big words before my friend and have failed to live upto them. I've been left stranded before, staring into oblivion, flabbergasted by ur irrationality, which bordered on the nefarious..

I saw ur facebook friend request as an attempt to break the ice, and i accepted it out of sheer courtsey. I'd never say"go, fuck off" to every person I don't like. Its just not me . And most of the them out there(i think u know it), wud have gladly said that, if u wud have done to them what u did to me.

Apologising the way u did requires courage, and if a person really means it, humility..I think i saw traces of both. And its only due to these, that feelings of sympathy, however vestigial, arise within me. Maybe, in a way, u were suffering through all of this too..

I've moved on. i accept ur apology. i appreciate ur humbleness in accepting ur errors. and if all of what u said is true, then i could have hoped for no better in this world.

accepting ur apology by sincerely hoping that all of what u said is true..

Yours truely

PS:Everyone deserves a second chance.. "


There is some good in this world afterall..

1 down and 7 to go!

First we talked in terms of quarterlies, halfyearlies and annuals, then came the time of monthly tests and now we deal with sessionals and semesters. The evolution is nearly complete! The first semester of studies at NIT Kkr is over and I'm at home(and loving it) for the break after a hectic semester, which involved coping with my late admission and endless trysts with seniors!

Staying away from home would never have posed a challenge for me. I had done that. But staying in a hostel certainly proved to be tricky! For a major portion of my stay at home from Jan-early Aug, I had been practically holed up in a room and had subconsciously built a cocoon around myself which was epitomised by my unaccomodating behaviour. Now I know from where the "Tu hostel mein nahin reh sakta" taunt from my bro came from. He had hit the nail on the head.
Hostel has made me more accomodating as a person. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow of things even if it compromises on your time with yourself( for studies or for any other recreational activity). Infact, in a multiseater room, you hardly get time to think about yourself, which perturbed me in the beginning. By the semester end though, I had managed to get over this difficulty and divided my time judiciously between studies and friends. The guys of my floor love their bhakchodi sessions, but sometimes they take it over the top, compromising studies in the process. And that is when I step aside and quietly proceed towards my room. They never miss me, because I'm not a big talker, but don't the different types of flowers look the best together! This worked for me in this semester. I did well in all of my exams and I should get a high GPA, which was my primary aim for the semester. As for making good friends, ragging took care of that!

Enter the seniors! At first, I took all this UP GT thing way too casually and it certainly reflected in the way I first presented myself to the seniors: in Reebok Pyjamas, bathroom sleepers and a trendy t-shirt(I was supposed to be present in 'formal' clothes!). "Kar kya lenge", I said to myself. And within those 15 minutes I had listened to more threats and swear words than I had ever had for a very long time! Lots of things have been firsts for me in the first semester, and this was one of those! I was even GT-out for a day and thankfully I thought the better of it, because in plain words, college is a rape for GT-outs.
So, the ragging ensued, and boy, weren't we ragged! From running around in the campus market with a shoe in foot and sandal in the other, to making love with a wall. We did it all. Except ofcourse the stripping, which is a strict no-no in our GT. There is some sense in this world afterall!
After all these months of getting raggged, surprisingly, the worst is yet to come. And its easy to visualise the seniors, rubbing their hands in anticipation of the arrival of 'bachha log' , to have a go at them for two more weeks, before we are set free. Hurrah! That should be fun! But the first two weeks of the semester will be anything but that.
The best thing about ragging is the friends I have made through it. Infact, the closest friends I have, are from UP GT. While cursing the seniors together, getting ragged together and attending those GT meetings, we subconsciously built very strong bonds, that should last with time. All the 20 odd guys of UP GT from our hostel are a united lot and are forever present to support a 'bhai' in need! Thanks to the GT, Kothyari was saved from getting bashed, not once, but twice. Thank you seniors, for uniting us! Ab jaldi se free kar do hamein..

The standard of classroom teaching is abysmal(except in ED and to an extent English), and I have come to expect no better, till I reach the 2nd year. This is the norm in govt. colleges(quite a sad situation) and this is the way the system is run. I've never been the types, who are ready at the tiniest of invitations to stage a battle against the system, so as long as the teachers mark the answer sheets well(leniently, to be more precise) and we keep getting good marks, I'm not gonna complain! I sincerely hope for the upgradation of teaching standards once we study in our respective departments. As for now, nothing doing.

Failing in the computer sessional was not the biggest letdown of the semester (many did!), messing up big time in The Helios(official mag of NIT kkr) induction interview was. This was a mag, I really wanted to be a part of, for obvious reasons. Not to be. Will try again next year.

This break has been a good one. I haven't felt bored, like I had during my previous visits home, and the time, like the first sem is speeding past. I must mention here, that the novel "The Alchemist" was a big letdown, and the hype surrounding it, is mystifying to me. In its aftermath, Paul Coelho became one of the most widely quoted authors, but I judge authors and subsequently the novels by their story-telling skills, not on the basis of some philosophy which an author tries to present. Come on, the basic essence of a novel should be its story, and if some philosophy and a message is interwined with the story, its ok. But the philosophy should never subsede the story. That's my viewpoint. I maybe right or wrong, but that's me!
Novels for me, should be analogus to sex! It should be a pleasure reading them throughout, and at one point of the novel, orgasm must be reached, in order to make it a pleasurable and an unforgettable experience. I refer reaching orgasm while reading a novel as a state when we are completely blown away(or in awe!) by the content of what we are reading. A state of absolute admiration and elation. Or a WOW!! . That's why Dan Brown is my favourite author. He takes the reader along a roller coaster ride and provides a WOW! moment which leaves the reader in absolute awe. I write this with all seriousness. No pun intended.
I'm heading back on 11th Jan. A brand new semester awaits. And more importantly, the Final Touch beckons. 'Bachha' pahunch rha hai Sir!!!

The Things That Happened In Between..

Back at last!! Considerable amount of water has flowed under the bridge since the time I wrote the last post. My u-turn regarding dropping an year to prepare(and I thought I had that one sorted out!!), my one week stay at Pantnagar: I really liked the place, and finally taking admission in NIT Kurukshetra, which, given my situation was the best alternative there could have ever been..

The toughest week of my life was the one I spent in Kota after I decided to take the drop. Apart from the severe accommodation crisis, came the realization that this was one decision I had taken in haste and going ahead with the same enthusiasm would be utterly impossible. I look back at that decision as the biggest mistake of my life as yet, one which caused a great deal of uncomfort to my family. I've learned a lot from that experience and have moved on from it. Thankfully, 'coz moving on hasn't ever been my cup of tea!!

With ubiquitous greeenery and its very own culuture, came Pantnagar, bringing along the most carefree week of my life!! I remember registering the shock when I came to know that my roomie Anil was a chain smoker. This was gonna be one hell of a ride! Most importantly though, the mess food was heavenly. I made friends with a typical Roorkee guy, Dikshant. By the typical Roorkee guy, I mean someone who always uses sugarcoated words, makes filmy promises, is jealous to the last fibre of anyone's progress , is fun to hang around with but is never worth trusting and backbiting is his forte! And so the week went by playing volleyball, having chat sessions, but subconsciously I made a note that this place had everything to offer, except studies, given the location of my room and the circle of my friends!! But the surprise of all surprises was yet to come!!
A visit to the DISCO aka disciplinary committee room, awaited. Its a place where many a carrers are ruined and many a lives are changed forever, for the worse that is.. and those who come out unscathed, consider it to be a gift from above! The proverbial studs of the First Year: Anil, Avnish and Aswal were 'guilty' (wtf!) of playing football in the hostel lawns at midnight. This is supposed to be normal anywhere except Pantnagar(told ya about its 'very own culuture', didn't I!) and the 'hungry for attention' warden Arun Chaudhary ne disciplinary committee bithaa dii..People and their idiosyncrasies!!! My room was next to the studs', and hence I came into the net too. The very morning bro had messaged me informing about my admission in NIT Kkr through the 2nd round of counselling and Pantnagar conspired to give me a farewell, in its very own style! I remember it vividly. I was yawning in the empty corridors of my wing(I had decided to bunk that day's classes, what good was it now!) when the the caretaker came upto me and asked "Aap Ankit Dubey hain?". I said in my mind "Have I been shortlisted for an award or something?", but my imagination was rudley cut short and the contrary happened. "Aapko disciplinary commitee ne bullaya hai". Oh dear!
And so, there I was, sitting outside the cursed room. On my way to the seat I had partially caught a glimpse of the way Aswal was being grilled. Tell u what, it was typical Five Point Someone style DISCO. Some 8 professors with those killing, unforgiving eyes were waiting for me. Great, I thought! I summoned enough courage to knock and enter the room. Immediately after I sat down I was asked for my intro. I laid stress on my sound educational background(being an IIT prof's son, greatly helps you in situations such as these, especially if you are innocent) and clarified that I was not the one playing, but the one watching. It was the truth. I think the professors decided to spare me once Aswal had clearly said to them that I was not involved. This is what I like the most about some of the proverbial studs. Although they care two hoots about their grades, about the money they splurge or the fistfights they indulge in, but at the end of the day, they are good at heart. And rest assured, they'll back their friends, without caring about anything. Getting the rough treatment from the authorities is nothing new to these guys and expectedly Aswal , Anil and Avnish were slapped with the fastest CP(Conduction Probation) in the Pantnagar history! And my time in Pantnagar, had come to a dramatic end. Dad came next day and I teed off for Kurukshetra. The Pantnagar sojourn ended then and there! And guess what, the typical Roorkee guy, hasn't called back since!

"Wow!", was what I said, upon my first look at the NIT campus. Open and calm are the two words which describe it the best. "Eeew!" was what I said at seeing the congested hosted rooms. But with time, Viney(my roomie) and me and learned to manage the space well, and we no longer regard it as congested!
Currently, the semester break is on and classes resume from Jan 12. I'm quite happy the way my life is, at the moment. Uncomplicated and smooth. I think I'm in control like I've never been in the past 3 years . And some new ideas I'm working on, with Navdeep makes it even more interesting. All about the first sem at NIT kkr in the next post..gudbye till then!

The past is gonna be the future again

So here we are. All the results declared, counselling due, but still not expected to get through a good college staraightaway. The situation I dreaded the most is upon me and here's the reason why..

IIT JEE: not qualified(ouch..ouch..ouch)
AIEEE:26210(AIR)..wtf
UPSEE:2706
NTU and NUS:Better leave the chinkis alone. Rejection in both(did someone whisper salt on the wounds!)
Boards:87.4%..who cares anyway!

As it is not difficult to fathom, the current scene isn't very good. I never try to think about the amount of work I put in. That'll be a reaction and what I need is a solution, for the current crisis. After giving everything a good and a long thought, I have made up my mind to repeat this year. As usual, everyone has a different say on this. Some think that it is akin to wasting an year while others hold more comforting views. There's no denying that it is indeed a gamble of sorts, moreso for the people here in Roorkee, who think that dropping an year is like commiting harakiri :) People and their thoughts..

I did some soul searching to find out whether this is the thing I really wanted. The sort of things they show in movies. But movies especially the Hindi ones are a refugee from reality.Hardly anything in life is ideal, atleast in mine! Ok, I love to think about becoming a columnist or joining the Civil Services, but first, can I have a safe backup please! Then maybe one day, I'll think about jumping in the idealistic world and as they say, spread my wings!(I know I am exaggerating)

The thing is, no one drops because he wants to, its because he needs to(I'm referring to only the engineering aspirants here). And I think I seriously need to give it another go to be completely satisfied with myself. I never want my mind to fill up with vestiges of regret while I pursue my undergraduate studies. Regret of not having tried another year. The sort of feeling which might creep up, when I will sometime, inevitably, be dissatisfied with my surroundings. When I finally go to some college next year, I'll know in my mind that this is where I was meant to be. Having a clear mind without any interfering thoughts works wonders.

28th June, hot afternoon, Dehradun-Bandra Express. The cycle starts all over again. The tagline of my friend Arpit Tuli, in his orkut profile couldn't be more congruous:
"The past is gonna be the future again."
God save me! Bansal Classes, here I come...